Hey, soon-to-be-dads and those considering this road in the future. Becoming a dad is a truly incredible thing, and it is a big step. I did not really think about it too much before taking the step, and to be honest, it is really difficult to imagine. Your world will change so much because of it – not always for the better (in some regards) – but it is an incredible adventure. I have two young girls, and I had not really considered it in my life plan before it all happened
You Have Time Now, Use It
If you think that you are short of time for passion projects or things that you want to do with your life, really step back and think about it… because when that child comes along, you will definitely have less time. We have two young girls and now, time has a different meaning. Before children came along, I could easily get out to play hurling and Gaelic football with my club, the Cologne Celtics, but now that is nowhere near as easy. Before children it was pretty easy to meet friends for a beer and watch some football, but now it is different…
Since having children, I have started a podcast (“Gaeilge Thar Lear” – an Irish language podcast about my experiences in Germany) and this blog, but they came about because I really started to think about how to use whatever free time I could find. I no longer subscribe to Netflix, and I haven’t watched a proper TV series or film in a long time. When you have children, you really prioritise how you use any free time you can get!
Pregnancy Is a Strange Time
Pregnancy is definitely a strange time, as although your partner will go through many, many physical changes, you won’t. While my partner was pregnant, I was still running between 20 and 40km every week. While everything became uncomfortable for her, and she had so much to deal with, my life continued as it had before. Sometimes, I forgot that she was pregnant or made some comment or said something, not considering her pregnancy in the equation. It just was not always to the forefront of my mind because I was not physically affected by those changes in the way that she was.
Pregnancy also lasts for a really long time, but also not long enough. Some days you can be desperate to meet the child and on other days it can be scary to think of all the new responsibilities that are about to hit. Of course, you also can see how difficult it is for your partner, and you want her ordeal to be over soon… but you also know that the birth itself will also be difficult (to say the least). Overall, there are a whole mix of feelings and emotions.
The Newborn Stage is Hard
Here’s a hard truth for you, you might not like your baby at first… As the dad, you haven’t carried her around with you for months. You can see the kicking, but you cannot really feel it. You may not have this absolute outpouring of emotions that the mother has. Or maybe you do at first, but it might not be enough to really sustain it.
It can be difficult to really bond with your baby during the newborn stage. Newborns do not do a whole lot. They cry, feed, fill their nappy, sleep and not much else. You do not really know your newborn. You have no idea who they will be and what their interests will be and what sort of character they will turn out to be. The first six months are difficult. They are really difficult. Your social life has changed utterly, and your future plans are built around this little person who you do everything for, but you receive very little back from them at that stage. They can cry for hours on end, and that sound can just increase tensions within the household. It is a trying stage.
However, it gets better. My two-year-old is full of personality and is always busy with her teddies, her Lego, her toy cars and a hundred other things around the house and in the garden. It is easy to connect with her now, as we have gotten through that stage. Sometimes, it is difficult still – of course it is, she is two years old – but the challenges are different. You can talk to her, and she understands (somewhat .. ish… not really… ) what you’re saying. You have a sense for what she likes and what will calm her down when her world collapses and she starts crying. Now, I really feel like “her dad” rather than someone who looks after her.
For us, with her, it was after six months when things really started to get easier. So, hold on! As our midwife said to us, “Some days you will feel like throwing your baby out the window… but then you will have to leave your warm home to get them, and they will still be crying.”
It is Difficult Meeting Your Non-Parent Friends
At least for now, when the kids are still so young, it is a challenge to meet up with non-parent friends. As said, you have limited free time, and usually the free time is early in the morning and later in the evening. So, if you are meeting people, it will most likely be with your children. Other parents understand what you are going through and will give you that supportive look that tells you they know the feeling. It is a reassuring feeling. As much as you may not want to, a lot of the conversation will be about kids’ issues… were they sick recently? Do you have a place for them in the local Kindergarten? Where is the nearest flea market happening? Do you have a childminder? How are they? These topics can be pretty mind numbing at times but often you don’t really know these people outside the contest of them also having children of a similar age. I did not want it to be like that, but it happens.
If you are meeting non-parent friends, it can feel like it is difficult (and maybe this is more in my head) to explain to them that you cannot go out to meet them because your child is sick, has hit their head off something, has fallen out of the bed etc. You also may need to arrange your day around the kids’ nap times. Telling someone else without young children that you can meet between 10-12 in the morning, but after that, we need to slowly move towards home because you want to feed them before putting them to bed… that can be a real challenge.
I hope as my children leave the baby stage, that it will become easier to engage with my previous friend group and get out and about more often!
You Will Soon Meet Many Other Parents
Pre-children the people you met most often may have been team-mates, drinking buddies, friends from school or university etc., but with children, the adults you will likely meet most often are the parents of the kids your children hang around with. This has been our experience anyway. We now meet our neighbours a lot more often, we meet other parents around the area, we go to activities with our children and find other adults there. Often, parents are quite desperate to have contact with other adults and discuss issues that do not relate to their children but somehow that is also easier with other parents.
A good friend of mine rang me soon after I became a dad, and he asked me if I wanted to talk about how that was… I answered him by saying that I wanted to talk about anything else in the world. Although you might not be able to meet up with non-parent friends, it remains essential to keep those contacts alive and keep your friendships – the ones that really matter – going. One day, the kids will no longer need you all the time and you will be able to get back to spending some time with your mates again.
But back to the point with meeting many other parents. I did not expect to be the person going to 2-year old’s birthdays but now they have become the regular. They are very different to the 18th and 21st birthdays back in a previous life!
You Need Time for You
Coming back to the point about how the concept of time changes with kids and that you will not have as much free time to pursue all your hobbies, you still should keep up something if you can. Retaining a hobby can be more difficult for mothers because of the need to breastfeed etc., but it is definitely something to consider. I still run as much as ever but I get going earlier in the morning now. I feel like I need that time to be a better dad. If I can get an hour, or even half an hour, to listen to a podcast and go for a run, I will feel better and I will be ready for everything a day with the kids can bring.
My partner works in the garden when she gets the chance. She loves to be out there, growing plants and getting her hands in the dirt. I am not a gardener. I can appreciate why some people are, but it is not something that does anything for me. When my partner is out there and busy, the girls – especially our older daughter – can go out to her, but I know sometimes she prefers to not have to look out for them, so I am happy to look after them. Having time for you is essential for headspace and to be more than just “dada” or “mama”.
The Gift of Language(s)
It is funny now to think that before our older daughter came along, I had not read aloud in many, many years. Now, I read aloud to them almost every day. We read books in German, English, Irish and occasionally Spanish. It is a lot of fun to read to the girls and to pretend I am recording an audiobook or something for them by having silly voices, loud voices, grandmother voices and all sorts in between. My girls really love their books now, even if our older daughter is currently centred on Bobo Siebenschläfer which we now must read every night!
You hear about how children can easily pick up other languages, but it is really something to see in real time. We are raising our girls with English and German, and a bit of Gaeilge/Irish as well. Our eldest understands everything we tell her in German, most of what we say in English and quite a bit in Irish as well. I do not know if she will want to keep Irish or will ever use it, but I will certainly give her the opportunity to use it. If you can introduce your children at a young age to other languages, it is definitely worth it.
As for the books and reading, we now use audiobooks as well as our own voices. They love sitting in front of the CD player and listening intently to the audiobook, and you can definitely see that she is somewhat taking in the story. We are trying our best to reduce screen usage with her, but at the same time, we have a lot of video calls with family in Ireland, so you need to be realistic as well.
You Cannot Wait for Them to Grow Up
When you have two small children, time really feels a bit like it is never ending. There is not a whole lot happening a lot of the time… You spend a lot of time reading books that you have read ten times before, you spend a lot of time walking in the buggy, and when they are very small you spend a lot of time doing whatever it takes to prevent them from crying. Our older daughter takes a long, long time to eat, and we try to spend our time with her when she is eating to keep her company… but feeding a 2-year-old is not the most intellectually stimulating activity. Somehow, I end up on my phone quite often while waiting for her to chew through her food. During these times, I try to picture what they will be like when they are a few years older.
I read somewhere that with small children and babies, the days are long, but the years are short… and that is a good way to describe it. It is important, if at times difficult, to enjoy that moment in which you find yourself. When our older daughter is colouring pictures at the table, I join in with her and colour pictures of my own. As said, I like to put on voices to make reading to her more intellectually stimulating for me. I like to get down on my hands and knees and play Lego with her and tell stories about her teddy bears with her. At times, though, I wish they were a bit older so we could have a proper film evening and watch Harry Potter or The Lion King. I cannot wait for the time when they are old enough to watch The Lord of the Rings with me. Of course, they might not like the film or might not be into films generally… but we’ll see. It’ll be nice to eventually know who they are and what they like… That is the part I am really excited about! At times, it can be difficult to wait for that time to happen, but it is also nice to have a lot to look forward to.
The World Through Your Children’s Eyes is an Exciting Place
I work quite a lot from home. I am lucky that I can do my job remotely and I can spend a lot of time with my children. It is a real gift, and I greatly appreciate it. Sometimes, our older daughter comes into the office space and sees me on my laptop working. On one occasion, I opened up an image of a drawing of a sailing boat and since then she believes that whenever I am on my laptop that I am looking at sailing boats. My job is to look at drawings of sailing boats. Other dads and moms in our circle save lives, fly planes, fix teeth etc., Maeve’s Dada looks at drawings of sailing boats.
Her teddies have entire adventures. Her best friend, Eudie, has been a train driver while her other doggy, Maya Hund, likes to travel on the bus. While teaching her some Irish words, I gave her the Irish word “bata” which means “stick”. One of her favourite books is “Stockmann” – the German version of Julia Donaldson’s “Stickman”. So “Stickman”/” Stockmann” can also be “Bata man” in Maeve’s world. However, this has become more confusing because we received some clothes from our neighbour, including some items of clothing with Batman on them… Now in Maeve’s world Batman – Bata man – is Stockmann. This example is one of the joys and funny stories that can arise when raising children with other languages around them – weird language jokes that do not really make much sense. I bought a little Batmobile car for her, and now, in her mind, that is Stockman’s car.
I am really looking forward to seeing how their imaginations will grow as time moves on.
The Subsequent Children Can be Easier and More Difficult
Our second girl came around soon after, and it has been more time-intensive. Now, we have two little girls who need to be woken up, dressed, fed, put to sleep, etc. It is a lot more work. Maybe that is why I have launched a blog this year, because I need more outlets for myself away from just being “dada”. However, it is also easier with her in some ways. This time around, we know what didn’t work with our older daughter. My partner has taken longer maternity leave – this time she has taken a full year rather than just six months. This time around, we know that certain phases do pass… Obviously, you know this on an intellectual level with the first child, but it is difficult to see that when you are in “the trenches” with them. Due to the lived experience with the first child, you have a feeling for when it will pass and what will come next.
What is great with our youngest daughter is that a lot of the lovely clothing items we received are now getting a second life. Admittedly, she is growing faster than our older daughter was at the same age, so she is going through them a lot quicker; however, it is lovely to see old favourites making reappearances. I do feel I am more patient with our youngest, but there are times when her crying won’t end and you may just want to scream. If you do get that feeling with your baby, with your child, get out of the room and take it out on a pillow or something like that. They can be intense creatures, and we are only human.
Our youngest daughter is also fascinated by her sister, and you can see that she is really trying her best to grow and join in with her. She is trying so hard to crawl and to move and is now really engaging with us. She wants to play with her big sister, and she will get there soon.
You’ve Got This
Becoming a dad is a big step but humans have been doing this for a long, long time. I read a fun book called “Bare Minimum Parenting” by James Breakwell in the run up to becoming a dad – on both occasions… I go back to it at times. There will be a lot of pressure on you from super-parents – admittedly, there will be more pressure on mothers from other mothers. Dads have the advantage that when you turn up to anything with your young child, you are thought of very highly for doing it… However, there is no right or wrong way to be a dad – as long as you are involved. Children will shape your life, but obviously, you will shape theirs just as much and likely much more.
Some parents will want to ensure that their child doesn’t eat any sweets until they are eight, some will ensure that they do not look at a screen for the first five years of their lives, and others will protect them at all costs from any perceived risk – real or imaginary. In my view, try not to shape everything around the child and let them fit into your schedule and plan as much as you can, and then change your plan and schedule to fit them. As long as you do not put the child in danger, try things out with them… if you like to sing, soon you will have an audience who will be fascinated by you – a real captive audience.
In whatever way you want to do it, do it that way. There is no set guideline to being a great dad. We all find our way through things and usually the children grow up to be adults. The “Bare Minimum Parenting” benchmarks were to raise a child that will become a somewhat functioning adult (eventually)… The three boxes to tick were – they eventually:
- Can support themselves,
- Are not a social deviant,
- Won’t blame you for everything that’s wrong with their lives…
Honestly, that feels like a very good place to start. You’ve got this!
Oisin O Mahony Blog 
Leave a reply to Grainne Cancel reply